Dear Reader, It has come to my attention that smoking kills, along with police, loner white boys, and looks. While embroiled in the process of trying to live, I have written this honors thesis.

It is dedicated to the first years who haven't yet died from alcohol poisoning, exhaustion, or overdosing. This work has been a labor of love and of hate. In it, you will find juxtaposition, verisimilitude, French, Freud, and anything else I've wasted 60K a year to learn.

I would like to thank my advisors: Mr. White Supremacy, Mr. Capitalism, Ms. Racism, and, of course, my Life Partner for all the guidance they have provided during this process.

Set in the mind of a young Black woman who is losing it, THE UNFORTUNATES is a darkly funny debut about the realities of elitist institutions from an exceptional new writer.